Holding On To Love
by LisaM
Summary: Speculations on Adrift


Title: Holding On To Love  
  
Author: Lisa M.  
  
E-mail: alwayzlovinrls@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Classification: Story, H/M Shipper, mainly Mac's POV  
  
Spoilers: Continuation of "Adrift", slight spoilers from "To Russia With Love"  
  
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Don Bellisario & co. I am just borrowing them for entertainment purposes. No infringement intended.  
  
Summary: My speculations on the second half of "Adrift"  
  
Feedback is welcome. Please send it to alwayzlovinrls@hotmail.com  
  
HOLDING ON TO LOVE  
  
How was I supposed to sleep last night? Harm is in the middle of the Atlantic fighting for his life, and for all I know, this morning the admiral will tell me that Harm is dead. I pray this isn't true, but for the moment I know anything is possible. Why did we have to fight before he left? I didn't mean to be such a witch, but his flying sure seems to take priority any more. Maybe now none of that will matter if he is dead. . . but I don't want to even think that.  
  
0930 Hours  
Hotel Room  
  
There is a knock on the door, but I don't know if I even want to get up and answer it. Of course, if it is news about Harm -- then I know for sure I want to answer it. So with a heavy heart I make my way to the door and open it slowly. It's the Admiral and by the look on his face I'm guessing the news could be good or bad; hopefully more good than bad.  
  
"Colonel, I got news from Capt. Ingles about Cmdr. Rabb. They found him a few yards from his raft. He swallowed quite a bit of seawater and he has a few cuts and bruises from being tossed around, but otherwise he seems to be just fine."  
  
"Admiral, where are they taking him?" I ask with an enthusiasm I'm not sure I completely have.  
  
"He's being choppered to Bethesda as we speak and will be placed in ICU so that the doctors and nurses can monitor him."  
  
"But he's going to be okay?" I ask with a tremble in my voice.  
  
"Yes, Colonel MacKenzie, it looks as though Harm is going to be all right. Remember last night when you said he had to be okay, or at least that's what you hoped? We know Harm pretty well, Mac, and I have a feeling the thought of his friends and family may have helped him survive."  
  
'I hope he wasn't thinking of our fight,' I say to myself. Out loud I say, "I'm sure it helped, sir."  
  
"Something kept him going, and I don't think it was Ms. Petersen," the admiral says in an almost-whisper. I know he didn't want me to hear that, but I did. And yet, maybe he did mean for me to. If only Harm knew that Renee had taken off for L.A. first thing this morning because she just couldn't handle it.  
  
"I wonder what he'll say when he wakes up and I have to be the one to tell him that Renee left."  
  
"I hope he doesn't get discouraged," the admiral says with a small chuckle.  
  
'I hope he's happy. I hope he can forgive me for acting as I did when I left. I had every right to be angry with him, but that doesn't make it right,' I say to myself. "It's so typical of Harm!" I scream.  
  
"What's typical of Harm?" the admiral asks.  
  
"Oops! I didn't realize I'd said that so loudly. What I meant was that leave it to Harm. I knew he would find a way to stop my wedding, but I didn't know it would be like this."  
  
"Oh, that's right! There is a roomful of people heading to the church soon. What do you want me to tell them, Mac?"  
  
"That for now the wedding is being put on hold. Harm and I have a lot to talk about when he gets to the hospital."  
  
"Uh, Colonel, there's something I think I should tell you so that when you see him you won't be shocked," the admiral says quietly.  
  
'Oh, no! What else could be wrong? Harm missing and presumed dead was enough for one night. I don't know if I can take any more. The admiral is looking at me, so I better say something.' "What is it, sir? What haven't you told me?" I ask shakily.  
  
"Harm was found unconscious in the water, Mac. He has some hypothermia and the trauma to his body has placed him in a coma. Before you go worrying yourself sick -- any more than you already have -- just remember this is Harm we're talking about and be thankful that the rescue crew found him when they did. Otherwise, we could be preparing for a funeral right now."  
'Why did he have to go and worry me even more? Darn you, flyboy! You find a way to make me worry even when you aren't able to defend yourself. Sometimes I hate you for it, but sometimes. . .okay more so lately... I love you.' "Would you take me to Bethesda, sir? I want to be there when they bring Harm in."  
  
"Of course I will, Colonel. Let's go."  
  
Later...  
  
Bethesda Naval Hospital  
Emergency Room  
  
The admiral and I arrived just as they were bringing Harm into the emergency room. He looked so pale, so cold. The paramedics had him wrapped in what looked like a dozen warming blankets, and he had at least six tubes coming out of different places. Maybe I'm indulging a bit here, but at least that's how things looked to me when I first saw Harm.  
  
'I can't fall apart. I have to be strong for everyone, because I know no one else can keep a clear head. I'm not even sure if I have a clear head any more, but I'm going to at least put up a brave front for everyone. The admiral is talking to me again, but I don't know what he's saying. I suppose I should at least try to pay attention.'  
  
". . .I called his mother, and she said she's on the next flight. I hope she can handle this one. First her husband goes MIA, then she finds out he had a child with someone else, and now her son's life is hanging in the balance."  
  
"If there is something I know about Harm's mother, sir, it's that she is strong." 'Boy, am I one to talk!' my thoughts scream. 'If you could see the inside of me, you'd know my facade is just that. . .fake. I want to cry, I want to scream, but most of all, I want to chew Harm out for giving us such a scare.'  
  
The admiral touches my shoulder. "Are you all right, Mac?" he asks with concern.  
  
"Yeah, sure," I say quietly.  
  
"If you're sure you're okay, I'll go to the church and let everyone know about the wedding's postponement. I'll be back soon. The doctors are just about to move Harm to the ICU."  
  
"Go, sir," I say with a half-hearted smile. It's the first one I've allowed myself to have since this whole mess started. I want to kick myself for it. How can I be happy when Harm's fighting for his life? Not that I feel guilty for what happened to him, but he could die today and I'm happy. I get up to stretch my legs, and then the doctor walks in.  
  
"The Cmdr. is very lucky, ma'am," he says to me.  
  
"Uh huh," I say. 'Tell me something I don't know.'  
  
"He's been moved to the ICU, Room #2. I can take you there if you like."  
  
"Sure, doctor, that would be great. The Cmdr.'s mother should be here soon. Her name is Trish Burnett. Would you please show her to her son's room when she arrives?"  
  
"Of course, ma'am. Right this way."  
  
Intensive Care Unit  
Room #2  
  
'Oh my word! He looks even worse than when they brought him in. There are feather light bruises on his face and the tubes are still where they belong. Maybe seeing his 6'4" frame in that big hospital bed is what shocks me the most. He looks so small.'  
  
"Doesn't even look like Harm, does it?" I hear someone behind me say. I turn around, and it's Trish. She looks so tired and worried.  
  
"No, it doesn't," I say quietly. "I wish he would say something, I wish he would look at me. I want him to know that I'm not angry any more."  
  
"He knows you're not, darling," Trish says with a tired smile. "You know it's funny, but I always pictured you as my daughter-in-law," she says as she looks past me to the doorway.  
  
"What?" I say.  
  
"Harm's always loved you, Mac. Why, when he came to see me before he went to Russia to look for his father, I asked about you. I believe my exact words were, 'How's Mac?' To which he said, 'Fine.' "  
  
"Oh? And then what happened?" I ask, clearly curious now. 'I don't know Trish well, and it surprises me that she would be so open about such things, and then I realize that no matter what happens, I do know I like this woman.'  
  
"And then I think I said, 'She's really quite the girl.' To which Harm said, 'Don't start, Mom.' You see, Mac, a mother knows these things. When you have the privilege of motherhood, and your youngest has his or her first crush, you'll know it, too. They won't even have to say anything, you'll see it in their eyes."  
  
"You could see that in Harm's eyes?" I ask quietly.  
  
"Oh yes!" she says excitedly.  
  
'I want to tell her everything, here and now. I know she won't judge me for my past transgressions, but can I trust her not to tell Harm all of this? Of course I can! I plunge in before I lose my nerve.' "I've always loved him, too. Of course I decide to talk with him about it a few weeks before I'm to marry another man, but at least I said it. And then this mess happens. I knew he'd find a way to stop my wedding, but I didn't think it would be like this."  
  
"Oh, darling," she says as she walks closer. Before I know it, she's holding me in a big hug. Why? Did I start crying...even when I told myself I wouldn't allow it?  
  
'I must be sobbing because I can't even speak.' "He better come out of this, because I'm going to kick his six!" I say between sobs and laughter.  
  
Trish lets go, backs away, and walks to the side of Harm's bed. "You hear that, Harm? When you come out of this, Mac and I are going to kick your six."  
  
"Mom's right, flyboy," I say with the biggest smile. I already feel better.  
  
"I'm going to go and grab myself a sandwich from the cafeteria. Want anything, Mac?"  
  
"No, thanks. I think I'll stay here and talk to Harm for a bit."  
  
"Okay, be back in a bit," she says as she walks out of the room.  
  
"Hey, flyboy," I say quietly, "it's Mac. Mom's here too. We'll get to Renee later...when you're stronger...but right now I want to talk about us. We've done a lot together over the past years, and even more in the last few weeks, but I realized something when I was putting on my wedding dress before the rehearsal. It doesn't feel right. The man I should marry was in a plane and fighting for his life. It was you, Harm, and it's always been you. I love you. You make me mad, you scare me to death sometimes, but I love you. I know you probably can't hear me, and if you were awake to speak you'd tell me I was full of it, but I just wanted you to know that I..." I stop, because the hair on the back of my neck is standing up and I have this fear that Mic is in the doorway. How much he heard, I have no idea...and I don't really care to know at this point, either.  
  
"You what, luv?" Mic Brumby says. 'I knew it was him! I'm starting to think the man is this thick black cloud that hangs over my head. It's starting to make me really mad, too!'  
  
"I care for Harm. There, Mic, I said it. Couldn't you see what turmoil I was in after the phone call from Capt. Ingles last night? Isn't it obvious to you?"  
  
"I saw it, but I didn't want to believe it. The man that's to be your future husband never wants to see what I saw last night. I saw your love for Harm, and the pain you felt at the possibility of him being dead. I didn't like it, but I knew it would happen."  
  
'Darn Mic Brumby! I want to strangle him! Why in the world is he being so nice about the whole deal? If it was me, I'd be angry...or something. Not him, he's so calm it scares me.' "Aren't you going to yell at me?" I challenge. "Aren't you going to say something hurtful? If I was on the receiving end of behavior like I gave you, I'd at least say something hurtful."  
  
"Admiral Cheggwidden has told the assembled crowd at the church that the wedding's been postponed for now. I just came to ask if you think that after Harm comes out of this -- if he does -- that you can marry me."  
  
"I don't know right now what I want, Mic. Harm and I have a lot to talk about when he wakes up." 'Boy, that was a lie if I ever heard one! Of course I know what I want, but should I really be nasty to him?'  
  
"You know what you want, Sarah. He's in that bed and you love him."  
  
"I do love you, Mic. Or at least I thought so."  
  
"I never had you or your heart, Sarah. They've always been Harm's."  
  
"Yes, they have. He just didn't realize it," I say with a small smile.  
  
Mic walks over to the bed and takes the ring from my hand. I wouldn't have wanted to keep it for Harm & my wedding anyway. I might keep the dress, but that can be a decision that comes later.  
  
"Bye," he says. Funny, but I always pictured a knock-down, drag out fight if Mic and I ever got to the point where we couldn't make it as man and wife. I guess nothing in life is a sure thing, including the life of a partner, friend, and love. I guess I better hold onto the love I have left.  
  
Mic leaves the room and my life...I don't even say anything. Isn't this what I wanted? Harm and me together seems so right. Even Trish thinks so. Maybe I think too much sometimes.  
  
"I care for you, Harm," I say to him. "When you come out of this, we have a lot to talk about. And I want you to know Renee is in L.A. now. She just couldn't handle all of this. Besides, you know you never really wanted her. Even your mom knew that one, flyboy. Moms are smart people sometimes."  
  
  
  
  
3 days later  
Bethesda Naval Hospital  
Room 314  
  
"I told ya, Mac. I tried to fight the fog and darkness to talk to you, to tell you that I loved you, but I couldn't. I heard every word...well, most of them anyway," Harm says with that big flyboy grin of his.  
  
It's been a long three days for me and Trish, but they have been so worth it. He seems to be okay, and he took the news of Renee and Mic leaving rather well. We're getting back all that we had before, and then some. He kisses me more, and doesn't mind if Mom or anyone else catches him doing it. I'm also Sarah to him more often than I'm Mac. He calls me Mac when he's teasing; I'm Sarah for sure when he tells me he loves me.  
  
"I still want to kick your six, Harm," I say seriously.  
  
"Why would you want to do that, Sarah?" he asks innocently. 'I know he's not all innocent either.'  
  
"Oh, don't Sarah me, Harmon," I say, laughing. "You scared me, Mom, Dad, and everyone at JAG so I have every right to kick your six."  
  
"Come 'ere, Sarah," he says quietly.  
  
"Why should I?" I ask teasingly.  
  
"'Cause I want to hold my Sarah," he says.  
  
I comply. It feels so wonderful to have him hold me again. I realize that holding onto love is the best thing a person could do...I nearly lost my love, but I have him now and for now we'll just take every day we have together.  
  
The End  



End file.
